


two slow dancers

by honeeeylocust



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Beaches, Childhood Friends to Lovers, Crushes, Cynthia Murphy Got Connor Therapy, Daddy Issues, F/M, First Kiss, Gen, Ice Cream, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Larry Murphy Is A Bad Parent, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Soulmate AU, boys being stupid, parks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 18:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29721156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeeeylocust/pseuds/honeeeylocust
Summary: Second grade isn’t fun.Isn’t fun in any way, Evan thinks. Even though Mom thinks so strongly that this is a new chance, a new day, or some sort of thing like that.OR: Evan and Connor are soulmates, and meet in second grade in the principal's office.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Cynthia Murphy/Larry Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Heidi Hansen & Connor Murphy
Comments: 11
Kudos: 75





	two slow dancers

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Brief mentions of self harm, brief mentions of sh on tumblr, child manipulation.

**Second grade**

  
  


Second grade isn’t fun.

Isn’t fun in any way, Evan thinks. Even though Mom thinks so strongly that this is a new chance, a new day, or some sort of thing like that.

It’s already been so bad. He didn’t make any new friends, and Jared seems to be doing amazing with his new clothes and good math jokes, and it’s just not  _ fair _ , it’s no fair.

What ended up making it the worst day in his whole seven years of being alive, though was when the teacher called on him.

He’d thought that maybe his Mom said something to the teachers about how much he hates it when he gets called on, but maybe she didn’t, she most surely didn’t, because now Ms. Andrews is glaring at him, mean and cruel, and now he’s whispering  _ ‘Sorry, I dunno, sorry’ _ and the entire class is pointing at him and talking about how weird he is.

So he just cries harder and harder, so now everyone is looking and glancing and someone laughs, calling him a big crybaby.

And he can’t breathe.

EVan can’t breathe, the classroom suddenly feels so closed off, and he’s being squeezed, he’s suffocating and it’s so scary he’s so scared  _ he’s so scared he’s so _ -

A sudden tug at the red string tied around his pinkie.

He looks at the white string right next to red, and then the purple. Both are loose, barely moving.

Yet another tug, and he makes a feebly gasping sound.

And then another.

And another.

And another.

Ms. Andrews is pulling him up from his chair and leading him out the room. “Sweetheart, you’ll be okay. Your momma will be here to pick you up in awhile, okay?”

And the tears continue to run, because that’s not what it was. He doesn’t mean to be a crybaby, he doesn’t mean it. He’s not ‘troubled’, he doesn’t mean to look for attention, it’s.. He isn’t doing it on purpose.

But he doesn’t say that, because nobody ever  _ listens _ to him.

The office feels like what the office always feels like. Ms. Andrews got his book bag from his cubby and set it next to him a little while ago, and he sniffled.

Nevermind.

He really, really wants his Mom right now.

And then comes another harsh tug from his red string, this time almost pulling him with the force of it.

Evan frowns.

His soulmate must be really sad right now, like he is.

He wonders if his soulmate ever cries like he does. 

And then he looks up, eyes finally drying, and… 

  
  


And..

  
  


There stands Connor.

Connor, the boy from Mrs. G’s class. His eyes are all fierce and angry, lip trembling. HIs face is horribly red, hair falling around his face in long tufts.

Evan looks down again, to the space between them.

The string.

HIs string, Evan’s string, it..

It leads to..

It leads to Connor’s pinkie. 

But some people don’t even ever find their soulmate, some people never live to meet their person. Most people don’t even have one.

Mom doesn’t.

  
  


Purple and white were easy to find- Mom and Jared are his purple’s. “Direct reflections or opposites of each other,” Said one of the teachers during an assembly. “Platonic soulmates.”   
  


That teacher always used fancy words.

  
  
  


His Dad is his white.

  
  


He doesn’t want to think about that. Not right now. 

  
  
  


“I.. Hi?” EVan tries, rocking back and forth on his feet. What is he supposed to say?   
  


Grown-ups in the adult shows always just kiss.

  
  


Evan blushes and shakes his head at that thought.

  
  


“.. Hi.” Connor’s voice is really raspy and messy, but in a kid-way, like he just finished screaming lots. 

  
  


“You were sad-” Evan was actually trying to think it instead of say it out loud, but it’s already out of his mouth. “Today. You were really sad.”   
  


Connor looks like he’s swallowing, pressing his lips into a line. “Uhm… You were also. Sad. I’m sorry that you were sad.”   
  


Evan sits back down, this time right next to Connor. Which, normally, takes a bunch of guts, because he always has to worry if the person wants him to sit next to them or them telling him the spot is already taken. It’s stressful to him, when he’s not sitting next to Jared. 

  
  


The principal comes out, and his face goes hard when he sees Connor, and then softens up a little when he sees them sitting next to each other. 

  
  


“.. Oh.” Says principal Harris, looking a little bewildered at the sight, eyes flicking back and forth between their hands. “ I.. Actually, we can talk about this around next week, Connor. I’ll just.. Congrats, kids.”

  
  


Boy soulmates aren’t as common as girl and boy soulmates. It wasn’t a bad thing, MOm said once, just. Different. ’Particular.’

  
  


Yet another thing about Evan that isn’t normal. 

  
  


Evan and Connor look at each other. 

  
  


And when Connor looks at him, and Evan looks at Connor, he feels this weird warm feeling spread all around his shoulders, down his belly, to his legs, all the way down to his toes.

  
  


He sighs, because it feels peaceful and warm and kind.    
  


  
Because all he can think is  _ ‘he’s come to get me.’ _

  
  
  
  


______________________________________________________________________________

  
  
  


When Evan tells Mom that he found someone today and doesn’t specifically say who, she almost glows, her smile true and raw- but so, so sleepy. It must make her so tired, working so hard all the time. He hums a little at her joy, though.

It’s nice, seeing Mom happy. If he could, he’d always make her happy.

  
  


His Dad makes her happy, sometimes. On good days, when they’re both warm and kind to each other, and they forget about the white string tied around Evan’s middle finger. 

“Uhm.. My. I-I met my soulmate thingy today. Actually.” Evan stutters, and it feels like a big weight has been lifted off his shoulders only to be replaced with another, way bigger one, with the way Mom’s face almost seems.. Surprised.

_ She’s angry, _ he thinks.  _ Angry that the only person you can be a normal kid around is your soulmate.  _

But then, Mom sighs, sounding all fuzzy and soft. “What’s their name?”

Evan sniffs, rubbing at his nose, and then looks back up. “C- Connor.”

Mom makes a sound in the back of her throat that seems to be a thinking sort of sound. She messes with the mirror thing above her so she can look Evan directly in the eyes. It’s the same thing Dad does all the time. “I think we should call Connor’s parents and he can come over for a playdate. That sound good, sweetie?” She says, sounding careful with what she says, and EVan nods a little, because.

Maybe Connor gets it. Maybe he understands.

_ Just because he’s your soulmate doesn’t mean he’s a bad kid like you are, _ Evan’s brain says.

Connor seemed like it, though. EVeryone always called him scary, called him scary.

He always looked so angry. 

It must tire you, being so angry all the time.

So many people that he knows are so tired.

He thinks that must mean something.

Sometimes, he thinks he’s the reason they’re tired.

  
  
  
  
  


______________________________________________________________________________

  
  
  


When Connor comes over to the house, Evan feels relief crash over him, cold and almost uncomfortable.

Being comfortable felt really uncomfortable.

He likes reading. Connor likes reading. He has books in the bag that he brings inside, black with a wilting, white tulip square middle of it. It’s a pretty bag. “I like your bag,” Evan says, and Connor almost looks confused, eyes flicking up and down and side to side.

Kind of like he’s scanning the room.

Like a robot.

  
  


Evan giggles a little, at that thought. 

  
  


Connor glares at him. “What?” He spits, and Evan gulps, quick to explain. “I’m not laughing at y- you! Just. Uhm. When you looked around it was kinda like you were, uh, scanning the room? Like- Like a robot.” Evan explains, hand coming up to scratch the back of his head. 

Connor only sniffles a little, and lets out a sort of huffing sound that seems to have been an attempt at laughing.

Evan points upstairs, and Connor and him make their way up. Evan’s room is probably very boring. He has a beanbag in the corner, and he has two or so blankets. He has a weighted blanket to help with his nightmares and stuff, but those only make him panic further, so that’s stuffed in his closet somewhere. 

  
“.. Have you read Little Women before?” Connor whispers, as they watch a movie. Who knows what movie. Evan briefly recognizes it’s something that has to do with Star Wars, but honestly, he has no idea what any of it has to do with each other. At all. 

  
  


Evan’s heard of it before, but he’s never read it. He’s heard that it has very big words in it that he can’t read yet.

Evan shakes his head, tilting his head to the side a little. “No, uhm. My reading level isn’t good enough for that.” 

Connor nods, looking back to the movie. “I like it, “ Connor starts, twisting with his long sweater that says ‘Rock on!’ on it. It’s black. “I- I don’t have anyone to talk about it to. Most of the time. My Dad says that it’s for girls.” 

  
  


Evan understands. His Dad says barbies are for girls.

Evan likes barbies.

  
  


Evan doesn’t understand it.

He just likes barbies.

  
  


And then Evan realizes, oh, Connor wants to talk about the book.

“You- You can talk to me about it. If you want.”   
  


There’s something in the other's face that lights up, brief, barely there. 

  
  


And when night time brings itself, Connor and Evan rest on the floor, blankets and pillows to rest on. Evan feels it would be weird for him to sleep on the bed instead of the floor with Connor.

The TV is turned off, and the house is quiet. 

“Do you ever feel like nobody believes you when you’re sad?” Evan asks, even though he knows it’s probably stupid. Like his brain said earlier, Just because Connor is supposed to be his soulmate doesn't mean he’s ‘troubled’ like Evan. 

  
  


Adults always use fancy words like that to describe him.

Used it when Evan walked in front of a bunch of cars.

  
  


Used it when he cried so hard he threw up all over the place after having to give a presentation.

  
  


They always use fancy words, as if that makes it any better.

  
  


As if that makes him any better. 

  
  


Connor flips over. “Everyone always thinks I’m angry for something.” Connor says, muttering. “But I’m just angry. I don’t know why I’m angry.” He says it like it’s simple, and it is, it is that simple.   
  


  
  


Evan nods. He’s angry a lot too.    
  


He feels understood.

It’s a nice feeling.

  
  


  
Sleep washes over him as the hallway light closes. 

  
  
  
  


______________________________________________________________________________

**Mid Fourth grade**

  
  
  


When Connor gets dropped off at the Hansen house, Evan is already stumbling towards the door, tripping over his own shoelaces. Then, he makes a sharp turn to Mom, who's eating a sandwich in the kitchen.

“Mama, Mom, Moooooommmm-'' Evan yells, grabbing onto her jeans and tugging. “Can we get a dollar so me and Connor can go get ice cream next door? Please, please, pleaaseeee-”

Mom smiles at him, picking a dollar out of her wallet and giving it to him. She looks happy to see him happy. “When Connnor gets here, make sure to tie your shoelaces so you’re ready to go.”

The doorbell rings, and Evam runs to open it, tugging Connor in.

These are the best sort of days, when Connor comes around. They play all day and take baths and then Heidi will make them hot coco and put on a movie for them and Connor is his best friend ever, makes all Saturdays the best days ever.

Connor used to be able to come over a lot. Mostly when Dad- When Mark was still around.

But who cares?   
  


Connor is here now and they still see each other during school time. Plus, it only makes the weekends so much better.

Connor and Evan take their wielding sticks (They found them in the backyard and placed them in Evan’s closet) and go all the way to the ice cream place. Connor is the one that comes up to the register and loudly proclaims, hand banging on the bell set on the table, for one order of a strawberry milkshake large and two straws. 

Evan gives him the money, shuffling his feet a bit, because the lady that was always at the register was a bit scary. Piercing on her nose, her neck- there’s even one on her belly button. 

But then, she pushes the money back to them. “It’s okay, loves. I’ve got it.”

Connor doesn’t seem very bothered by this, taking the milkshake and telling her thankyou. He leans in next to Evan so he can take a sip from his side of the cup.

They sit outside, making their way to the park a few blocks over. 

“Ev, we should have gotten our bikes. It’s so hot!” Connor proclaims, more or less pointing out the obvious instead of complaining about it. 

Connor and Evan pass a skateboard, and Connor grabs onto it while immediately running- with EVan in his other hand.

The other boy does this a lot, sometimes just taking things his parents wont give them. He always abandons it by the end of the day, and plus- He never makes Evan do anything he doesn’t want to, so he’s just gotten used to it, over the years. 

  
  


Then they both realize that someone is yelling after them, and Evan gasps, jumping onto the skateboard with one leg off, Connor pushing them both.

“Hey, come here, you little shits! Says the teenager behind them, but Evan and Connor, cheekily, throw the middle finger behind them.

By himself, Evan isn’t a very ‘bad kid’ like this. Most of the time, he’s too anxious to do something like this. But when Connor’s around, all that fear melts away, and they do stuff like this.

Connor drinks the last bit of milkshake, throwing it behind and taking a leap right off the skateboard, tugging Evan along.

They both laugh and snort together, shoulders bumping as they make their way right back to the house.

Evan wishes he had met Connor sooner sometimes.

But right now, he’s really just happy he’s met him so early.

______________________________________________________________________________

  
  


**Sixth grade**

  
  


Evan is acting weird.

  
  


And like, objectively, Evan always acts ‘weird’. He stutters a lot, and shakes his head side to side when he’s really happy about something.

  
  


When rooms are cold, Evan will pull his sweater right over his knees and sticks his head into it, and only his forehead sticks out. When food is too hot, he lets out this really fast breath of air through his nose, twitches said nose around a little, and wraps his arms around himself. 

And then takes another spoonful and does all of this once more. 

All the things that make Evan weird make Evan.. Evan. Make Evan endearing, interesting, funky Evan.

  
  
  
  


But he’s weirdly quiet today. Evan’s seen as quiet, but really he’s just shy towards people he doesn’t know. He’s anxious, sure, but he’s not a damn pushover.

_ ‘He’s decided he doesn’t want to be your soulmate anymore,’ _ his brain says.  _ ‘Because you’re that sucky. Because you aren’t enough.’ _

And he nearly believes it, for a moment. Prepares himself for the inevitable loneliness he’s going to feel when Evan finally cuts off the string. 

But he positively knows something is wrong when Evan comes over to the Murphy house when neither Larry, Cynthia, or Zoe is there. 

They barely ever come to the Murphy house, but Connor had mentioned to Evan briefly this monday that he’d finally have the house to himself for wednesday, and that they should hang out. 

Evan looked very, very angry, though for this to just be a regular hangout.

Like. More pissed than Connor had seen him in at least a year. 

  
  


“Look at this, Connor.”

An open laptop is slammed onto his lap, suddenly, and Connor shrugs, looking down at it.

Part of him wonders if it’s something cruel and awful about Connor. Maybe somebody found those pictures of his arms he posted on tumblr, maybe somebody leaked it, maybe Evan is mad at him for hurting himself because everyone always is.

But instead, it seems to be an email.

From somebody named Mark.

  
  


_ Dear Evan, _

_ Happy belated birthday. I don’t know how to say this, but I’m so sorry for not writing to you.  _

_ I never meant to disappear off the grid like I did. I was just.. Trying to keep my distance from you. I was terrified that you would be angry with me, angry with the way I left you and Heidi. You have every right to be. _

_ I’m happy here, though. _

_ I have two kids. Twins, is what they are. I remember you always talking about how much you wanted siblings. _

_ I promise you me leaving was only for my own mental health. I’m sure you know a lot about that. I’m sure you understand that.  _

_ I love you, and I’ll be waiting for your reply when it comes. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Dad _

  
  
  


Connor’s eyes only grow wider at the sheer amount of passive aggressiveness in this letter, and he shuts it close, looking up to Evan. Evan, who looks like he’s ready to pop a blood vessel. Evan, sweating, like he didn’t even bother or think about taking his bike, like he was that pissed off. 

  
  


“Dude, this is so..” Connor tries to find the words, trying to pick carefully, but Evan finishes the sentence for him. “ Fucked up, isn’t it? Disappearing for five years only to send your first child a message about how fucking happy you are without him. I’m just- I cannot- I cannot believe that he typ- typed this out and thought it was okay, I can’t believe it, I just-” Evan’s voice is growing erratically louder, and he stomps and stomps and he looks like he’s trying not to cry. 

Evan is allowed to cry.

He’s also allowed to be angry.

Connor knows that Evan’s Dad is his white string. Designed to ruin him for like.. Fucking character development or something, completely break him apart piece by piece, but this is just. Brutal.

How could anyone just. Abandon their child like this? How could anyone, anyone at all, be so cruel?

_ Your dad did, _ Connor’s brain goes.  _ Just not physically. _

And that stings a little, even though it’s his own thoughts.

Sometimes, Larry gets so mean, so brutally mean, he somehow convinces Connor that Connor is Larry’s white string instead of the other way around, even though it’s physically impossible to just get a ruin-er for you in the middle of your life.

A purple soulmate? Yes. A Red one? Possibly.

But not a white one. 

Evan sits next to Connor, both of them breathing at the same pace, and Evan rests his head on his shoulder, sighing.

And then, quietly, the tiniest sob is let out. 

Connor holds him, even though it’s awkward, because no matter how much the universe tells them they literally depend on making physical contact with each other, it still feels. Odd.

And Connor is stupid and weird and dumb, and he has absolutely no social skills, he prompts, “Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?” Evan is still crying, but he sniffles a little. “Why?” He croaks.

  
  


“Because there was a KFC on the other side.”   
  


And then Evan is laughing, and making Evan laugh is one of the best things ever, and as soon as they calm down, Connor offers Evan some water.

And then he goes ‘ _ imagine being a chicken and seeing like. Chick-fil-a on the other side of the road and being, like, ‘-- this shit _ ’ and just turning around’ and then they’re laughing all over again, and it’s wonderful and tender and these are some of the reasons why Connor is still alive and going to therapy like his Mom asked, because he wants to die but he wants to want to live for moments like these. 

  
  


Then the water Evan is drinking spurts all over the place, making Connor squeals  _ ‘ew, gross!’ _

And then Connor just.. Looks at Evan. For a moment.

And Evan looks back.

ONly now is he realizing how close they are.

“I.. Yes?’ Evan says, which sounds like an agreement, even though Connor hasn’t said anything. 

“I- fuck, Uhm..” Connor leans in, and then they’re both sitting, there.

But they pull away.

Connor lets out this long sigh of relief, because he’s. Not ready. Not yet. 

“Uh- Definitely one day, maybe, I just-”

“No, it’s okay, let’s not..”   
  


They’re talking over each other.

“We have time.” Evan blurts, pausing for a moment to look ahead to the other boy’s wall.    
  
Connor agrees, nodding, even though it feels rushed and hurried.

Because they do.

They have time.

They have so much time.

Evan falls back onto the bed, and Connor whines. “Dude, you’re all sweaty,” And Evan laughs, rolling his eyes fondly.

They have time.

So, so much time.

  
  
  
  


______________________________________________________________________________

  
  


**Mid eighth grade**

  
  


It was spring break.

Which meant.. A lot of things, when it was just him and Evan.

  1. Stop by the ice cream shop a few blocks from Heidi’s house (A La Mode, Connor had learned recently, even though they’ve been hanging out there for years.)



  1. Go to the beach and let their feet rest in the water for a while.



  1. Go shopping.



  
  
  


Evan always disliked the last one, mainly because he always said it was just a way for Connor to buy him things. Which he wasn’t exactly wrong about, but, hey- Evan always came around to going with him anyway.

Connor’s seen him with like. Only boxer briefs before. Not like, in a weird way. They just go undressed in the same room a lot more often. Evan still wears some from, like, 6th grade. He has to stress his shirts sometime just to get them to fit.

They still haven’t figured out what they’re supposed to be. 

And Connor always felt like he needed to rush into like. The romantic part of red soulmates. In TV shows, they always started dating right off the bat. 

Connor and Evan haven’t ever been like that, though. They know that they’re made for eachother and all, but it’s different.

They’re together, but not in the way boyfriends are together.

But they’re together. 

  
  


Connor rents one of the bike things and Evan sits behind him, hands on his shoulders. And then they start pedalling.

For a while, they kind of just. Hang around the place. Evan gets new shirts, also some popcorn from this candy place. They stop by one of those snack places that sell those dragon breath balls of cereal, and Evan complains about how this is probably one of the most lazy types of snacks he’s ever seen.  _ Capitalism _ , he says. 

Still eats it though.

They end up on the beach, jeans rolled up to their knees, the rent bike long forgotten. 

Evan makes a slight humming sound, and then reaches down to cup water in his hand, throwing it to Connor.

He hisses at how cold it is, and then drops to the ocean floor tho fully push the water at the other, and then they’re both wrestling each other, laughing as Evan hooks a leg around Connor’s waist, and they roll around, water clogging up noses, sand getting into eyes, and yet.

Yet, it’s the best feeling ever.

Because Evan is on top of him, laughing ridiculously hard, looking like he can’t catch his breath, and when they both let out a warm sigh at the same time, knee to knee, shoulder to shoulder. 

“You’re my favorite person ever,” Evan tells him, when they’re back on the sand, shoes and socks scattered along them.

It’s dark, and the sky is lit with millions of stars.

Connor looks at him, and thinks about kissing him until he turns as blue as the sea in front of them. Thinks about kissing him to make up all the time he hasn’t spent kissing him. But, instead, he responds: “You’re my favorite person, too.”

  
  


And that's all he’ll ever really need to say.

For now, this is good enough.

  
  
  
  


______________________________________________________________________________

  
  


**Sophomore year**

  
  


Dinner with the Murphy’s, Evan would like to say, is Not what he expected. He would like to say that he’s surprised, but.

He’s not.

He really, really isn’t.

  
  


Zoe is fiddling with the purple string that leads to Connor, as they sit next to each other. She seems to be holding onto his arm. Connor is holding onto hers, too.

They’re holding onto each other. For support. 

Evan remembers how Connor would talk about Zoe. _ I’ve ruined her life _ , he said one weekend, sleeping next to Evan after a cruel nightmare.  _ So I don’t know why the universe chose me as a ‘direct reflection’ of her. Can you imagine? Being compared to someone that tormented you for years. _

They’ve been better, lately, though. Evan listens to Connor talk about things him and Zoe partake in that feel almost natural, almost normal. 

  
  


Larry is.. Something. Cynthia is looking frantically between everyone, trying to comfort herself in the very uncomfortable silence. 

“So, Evan.” Evan’s head snaps up from his plate at the sound of his name exiting Mr. Murphy’s mouth, and rests his fork on the plate. “Yes, sir?” Evan responds, trying not to stutter, trying his hardest not to, because that will give him the satisfaction of feeling like Evan feared him.

And a small part of him did. Mostly because of what Connor has told him about Larry. How cold, how heartless he is.

Heartless towards Connor in particular. 

“How does it feel, being Connor’s soulmate and all? I always thought his soulmate wouldn’t last a month.” It seems to be trying to get Evan to laugh. An attempt at a joke. But Evan’s face only goes stoic in response, because jokes at his person’s expense aren’t funny, no matter the circumstance. Connor looks visibly uncomfortable, brushing his hair behind his ear, twiddling with it. 

A nervous tic.

A tic Connor did when he first met him.

  
  


“Trust me, s- sir, Connor is very easy to know.” Evan bites out,tying to keep a leash on how much he just wants to reach across this table and punch this stupid narcissistic fucker right here right now. 

  
  


Larry seems to have caught onto this agitation, raising a defiant eyebrow. “Really? Because everyone Connor’s ever known would bear to disagree.” He bitches, looking at Zoe for a moment. “ He even pushed away his sister. His purple soulmate. He’s told you that, hasn’t you?”

“Dad-” Connor starts, sounding a bit teary eyed.

“Shut up, Connor. The people that have had to deal with you for years are talking,” Larry spits, and Zoe stands up, crossing her arms around herself.

“Dad, please-” She pleads, but he snaps at her to sit down, and she does, eyes set on her plate.

  
  


And then there’s silence.

  
  


Complete and utter silence. Connor looks like he’s trying not to cry, and Larry scoffs at the sight. “Jesus, Connor, suck it up, will you?”   
  


That’s about it. Evan was trying to be all, like, Meet The Parents or whatever but it doesn’t even get close to how much more important Connor is.

  
  


He stares at Cynthia for just a moment, trying to see if she’ll say anything before he gets up, but she doesn’t. In fact, she silently stands to wash her dish, completely ignoring what just happened.

Bitch.

It’s pathetic, letting anyone talk to your kid like this. No way to put it other than cowardice. 

  
  
  


“Alright, we’re done here, have a good day.” Evan says, and then he gets up, takes Connor by the arm and they’re going to catch an uber or something and get back to his place.

Connor looks frozen up, like he can’t speak. Like he’s scared.

  
  


Evan’s never seen him so terrified before. 

  
  


Fuck Larry, Evan decides, because fuck him.

  
  


Fuck him.

  
  
  


_____________________________________________________________________________

  
  
  


Heidi isn’t home tonight. 

  
  


Which isn’t really a surprise- she’s not home as often anymore. Of course, Evan always had Connor, and sometimes Jared. 

  
  


Connor sits on the couch, rolling himself up into a Connor Murphy Ball, nudging his head in between his knees. 

Evan sits next to him, and Connor rests his head on his chest.

Lets out this heart breaking, knife through butter sob, so abrupt and desperate that Evan feels a little taken aback by it.

Connor looks like he can barely breathe as he cries, fingers digging into the cotton of the couch, making near holes in it. He brings a shaky hand up to his mouth, and swallows all those tears he’s so clearly not done with back and straight down his throat. 

Evan frowns. “You can cry, Connor. It’s okay.” He reassures, but Connor’s always had a hard time with this, being vulnerable with someone point blank. Connor liked to comfort people, though- knew how to do it pretty well. 

  
  


“I just. Don’t get it. Why does he hate me so much?” Connor asks, seemingly to himself, and that only breaks his heart a little more because.

Connor thinks he’s the problem, somehow. How does someone manage to be manipulated into thinking their white string is the actual victim?

  
  


And then an idea pops into Evan’s head, like a light has switched on, and he grabs onto Connor’s arm.

“Okay. So. I have something that’s probably not a very normal coping mechanism, and also roots from ch- childhood trauma, but you will totally like it's like. Some teen com- coming of age shit.”

Connor seems a little confused, but sniffles and wipes at his eyelids anyways. 

“Ok, so, we’re going to sit in this tub,” Evan explains, sitting in said tub, wiggling a little to let his feet hang over the edge. “Fully clothed, and then we’re going to just turn on the water. Like. Ice cold. “ Evan twists the knob and then the shower shoots from the top thingy and not from the drain, which he wasn’t expecting, but either work anyways.

Connor stares at him, raising an eyebrow, and then he snickers a little bit and gets into the tub, throwing his legs over the edge right next to the other’s. 

“And you just. Scream.” Evan explains, arms resting on either side of him.

Connor looks at him like he’s got another head. 

  
  


“Dude, I swe-  _ swear _ . Try it.”

Connor then shrugs, taking a big, deep breath, and screeches at the top of his lungs. Sooner or later, it turns into phrases, all directed at his Dad, probably, and then Evan follows suit, screaming just as loud as him.

He looks at the white strings on both of their middle fingers.

Swallows roughly, opening the bathroom cabinet that's right next to the tub. 

He takes out a shaver.

“We should cut it.” Evan says, tapping Connor on the shoulder so he actually has his attention.

Connor is taking deep breaths, red in the face as water still shoots from above them. “.. Cut our strings?” He sounds nervous, maybe a little confused.

  
  


Evan swallows, because maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe cutting their strings isn’t a good idea, maybe Connor thinks he’s totally bonkers, maybe he’s going to leave Evan as soon as he gets the chance because they aren’t allowed to cheat the universe and Evan knows that and he’s insane.

“Yeah. Yea- Yeah, I would do that. With you.” Connor responds, and Evan lets out a deep breath and takes Connor’s hand in his as Connor does the same for him.

Okay.

  
  


Shit.

  
  


Fuck.

  
  


Okay.

  
  
  


Their breathing starts to get un even as they hold each others hands, wet strings sticking to their fingers. Evan thinks briefly about how sudden and quick this decision is being made, but it doesn’t feel sudden, not when he’s doing it with Connnor.

Evan cuts Connor’s white string.

  
  


And then Connor does the same thing for him.

Evan thinks, briefly, about it not working. It’ll probably be right back to normal by tomorrow. 

  
  


Connor looks up at him, high cheekbones and slender eyes and all. “What if it doesn’t work?” He says, sounding. Scared. Uneasy.

Evan rests a hand on Connor’s knee, and rubs it with his thumb. “Then- Then we’ll dye it. You and me, yeah?” Evan says, feeling light and breathy, feeling like he’s been lifted of a weight, and Connor mumbles something.

  
  


“Wh- Hm?” Evan asks, because he didn’t hear him.

“I love you.” Connor mumbles, sounding like he’s just realized it.

And it should feel overwhelming, it really should. Evan should be gasping, maybe feeling light as a feather all over. He should feel anything other than peace and assurance, something. 

But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like Evan has heard Connor tell him he loves him thousands and thousands of times. “I love you, too.”

  
  


And this is the big moment, the moment Evan’s waited for since second grade, because Connor is cupping his face and pulling him in and kissing him, pecking him all over his chin and his nose and his eyes and it’s wonderful, Connor is so, so wonderful.

Some of the water gets all over the floor, and Connor says something about the water bill, so they shut it off.

  
  


And then they’re kissing again, and it’s so good, it’s so much better than the TV shows.

_ Why did the chicken cross the road?  _ Connor asks him, still kissing him gingerly, and then he goes, _ to say ‘I love you’ to the chicken on the other side, _ and it’s so stupid and so dumb and Evan rolls his eyes, even with Connor’s lips on his.

  
  


Because he still has to make up for all that time he wasn’t holding Connor like this.

  
  
  


(Christ, why wasn’t he?)

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I am shamelessly asking for validation and reassurance. Gimme feedback. Give me those comments that like point out specific little parts. That? I want that.(i am joking any feedback whatsoever is appreciated)
> 
> Anyways, hope u enjoyed!!!! Comments and kudos r so appreciated!!>3


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